Praying for a rainbow

On December 4th, 2013 we learned we were pregnant.  The excitement was short lived when I woke up this morning having some spotting.  Today, December 7th, we lost our baby.

----> Telling Thomas

I went to the ER and they took my blood to test my HCG and did a sonogram.  The HCG came back a the tiny level of 10.  When they did the ultra sound they couldn't find the baby with an external or internal machine.  When she did the vaginal sonogram, there was blood all over the table.  I asked the lady "does this happen sometimes with the vaginal machine?"  She simply said "sometimes I suppose" and I could see the look on her face that told me she clearly didn't believe a word she said.  I knew right then and there it was over.  She touched my face and wiped my tears and said "I wish this wasn't happening for you" and left.  I felt so empty.

I don't understand why these things happen.  As this is the second baby I've lost, I have begun wondering what is wrong with me.  I know that's not logical, and wont do any good for me...but I can't help it.  I loved the baby already, and I always will.  I know that this too will pass.  I just want this to be over with soon so I can enjoy Christmas with my family.

I'm in a bit of pain.  The cramps are more like mild contractions and my back hurts.  I remember feeling like this in the early stages of Labor with Tucker and let me tell you, it's worse this time.  I remember that pain not being as strong just because I knew I was doing it for an amazing result.  But this time, it's resulting in the death of my baby.  My heart aches everytime I go to the bathroom knowing that I'm just discarding more of my baby...That is the hardest part.  I start to calm down and get distracted...then I go to the bathroom and it starts all over.  I wish that I could just be done with it.  But here we are...back to cycle day 1.  A midwife I was emailing told me I should wait a cycle before we try again.  Thomas wants to wait a couple.  We are taking the next couple of cycles to regroup, get healthy, and continue to prepare for our next baby. 

So here's to trying again and getting our rainbow baby.  <3

"Everyone wants happiness, no one wants pain...but to get a rainbow, you have to have some rain"

------> With My Own Two Hands