Hope

Last night we had a late thanksgiving dinner at my moms house.  I began to feel really nauseas during dinner.  By the time we were ready to decorate the tree, I started having contractions.  I went to the bathroom and noticed I started bleeding more.  I remember sitting in the bathroom hearing everyone laugh in the living room, while I sat in the bathroom sobbing.  I know that everyone in the living room was there supporting me and loving me, but I couldn't help but feel like life was moving on without me.  I had to be reminded of the baby constantly.  There was no escaping the thought, I was the one living it every second.  I was jealous that they got to be distracted.  I took some time for myself in the kitchen and Thomas found me.  We decided to leave early.  I got to see Tucker put up an ornament on the tree for the first time, and then left.  By the time we got home the contractions really started to pick up.  I took a bath and tried to relax.

I went to bed and watched some shows on my computer and then it hit.  My contractions got so intense I was getting flash backs of my labor with Tucker.  I got in the fetal position and started doing the breathing techniques I remember learning for Tucker's birth.  I started watching the clock...5 minutes apart...4 minutes apart...

Thomas kept Tucker in the other room trying to distract him with Elmo so he didn't hear any sounds coming from me in the bedroom.  Thomas made me some dinner and surprisingly I was able to keep some down in between the pains.  Eventually Tucker came in a nursed to sleep next to me.  Thomas sat at the end of the bed rubbing my feet and talking to me while some Blue October and Jack Johnson played in the background.  My contractions got to two minutes apart and stayed that way for about two hours.  Thomas never left my side.  I took some pain killers and it made me sleepy.  We sort of quietly talked about our thoughts, and how we felt the baby needed a name.  We got distracted with the contractions to ever decide though.  Finally, I could feel my body doing what it needed to do.  I knew it was over.  I just sort of collapsed into a sleep.  I was so exhausted, and with the instant pain relief, I just dozed off.

The next morning I felt like a new person.  The pain was gone.  The bleeding was close to nothing.  I decided I didn't want to be in the house dwelling on our baby, so I went to my parents and spent the morning there.  They were really supportive and just let me talk.  Then I went to WIC to report that we lost the baby.  I wanted to talk to the lactation consultant of my concerns of the pains during the miscarriage, and some questions concerning my body and my milk.  They offered me some alone time with her, and she ended up couseling me for about an hour.  She explained that the reason I ended up having to experience something that resembled more of a birth than a miscarriage was because my hormones are still on the mapping of birth.  My body decided to collect what needed to go, and let it go all at once, instead of over the course of the average 7-10 days.  Nursing probably helped it go much faster.  She also helped me figure out what I needed to do next, sort out some of my thoughts and feelings, and taught me more about how my body was working.  She also said that she was praying for me and reassured me that I was doing and feeling everything that I needed to do.

I came home and showered and was thinking about the purpose of this baby.  I don't believe that God would let this baby die with no end result.  There was a lesson to be learned here, and I was determined to learn it.  The woman at the WIC office and I were discussing possible purposes.  I decided there was three.  One...to help other women.  Two... To bring me to my knees.  It had been a while since I have truly been on my knees in prayer asking for God's presence.  Let's face it, I was caught up with life, with being a mom, I am inconsistantly going to church for a few small excuses I have...I had been drifting for a while.  I was praying for this baby, but when I lost the baby, I fell to my knees in prayer, and I needed that.  Even if that was the only purpose for this baby, it was a big purpose.  And three...for hope.  I don't have any idea why I came to that conclusion.  Logically and experience and tragedy like this would probably lead many to the conclusion that there is NO hope left...but I felt the complete opposite.  After I had the delivery of what was left of our baby, I was left with an enormous feeling of hope in my heart.  I text Thomas, who was just getting off work, and I said "let's name her Hope"

When he came home he read my text message and said "Really?  Hope?  I was thinking all day at work about what we should name her and I thought of Hope as well!"  I felt like it was meant to be. 

I said "then Hope it is."

Praying for a rainbow

On December 4th, 2013 we learned we were pregnant.  The excitement was short lived when I woke up this morning having some spotting.  Today, December 7th, we lost our baby.

----> Telling Thomas

I went to the ER and they took my blood to test my HCG and did a sonogram.  The HCG came back a the tiny level of 10.  When they did the ultra sound they couldn't find the baby with an external or internal machine.  When she did the vaginal sonogram, there was blood all over the table.  I asked the lady "does this happen sometimes with the vaginal machine?"  She simply said "sometimes I suppose" and I could see the look on her face that told me she clearly didn't believe a word she said.  I knew right then and there it was over.  She touched my face and wiped my tears and said "I wish this wasn't happening for you" and left.  I felt so empty.

I don't understand why these things happen.  As this is the second baby I've lost, I have begun wondering what is wrong with me.  I know that's not logical, and wont do any good for me...but I can't help it.  I loved the baby already, and I always will.  I know that this too will pass.  I just want this to be over with soon so I can enjoy Christmas with my family.

I'm in a bit of pain.  The cramps are more like mild contractions and my back hurts.  I remember feeling like this in the early stages of Labor with Tucker and let me tell you, it's worse this time.  I remember that pain not being as strong just because I knew I was doing it for an amazing result.  But this time, it's resulting in the death of my baby.  My heart aches everytime I go to the bathroom knowing that I'm just discarding more of my baby...That is the hardest part.  I start to calm down and get distracted...then I go to the bathroom and it starts all over.  I wish that I could just be done with it.  But here we are...back to cycle day 1.  A midwife I was emailing told me I should wait a cycle before we try again.  Thomas wants to wait a couple.  We are taking the next couple of cycles to regroup, get healthy, and continue to prepare for our next baby. 

So here's to trying again and getting our rainbow baby.  <3

"Everyone wants happiness, no one wants pain...but to get a rainbow, you have to have some rain"

------> With My Own Two Hands

Trying To Concieve #2...while breastfeeding!

Alright, I've been cleaning my hiney off for about 3 days now, preparing for a house inspection by our apartment managers.  I am deep cleaning and de-cluttering.  Mentally it feels great, but my back is so sore from all the scrubbing!  Haha.  Anyways, Tucker is down for a moment, and I'm taking a break, so I thought I'd update you all on our TTC journey.  =)

I started a youtube, but then I wasn't able to upload anymore videos after our first one, for some weird reason.  In case you missed it this was the first video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97NISQdB4uk

Ironic that I posted my vlog about how it's too much work to blog, in my blog, about my vlog.  Haha.  Anyways, Yes I am still nursing, we are still trying, but good news is my cycle has returned.

So this is where we are at.  My cycle returned about a week after I posted that video, but I've only had two cycles about 48 days apart.  It's ridiculous.  I'm so impatient, I hate trying to figure out when I'm ovulating.  I stopped doing the OPKs because it was stressful and depressing.  It's crappy enough getting negative pregnancy tests, getting negative OPKs are just as frustrating.  haha.

An update on Thomas' feelings:  He's very committed and excited to grow.  He's no longer hesitant, and seems more confident than me now!  Haha.

For the first few months, I was really obsessed and really rushing the whole process.  OPK testing every day, temping, charting, etc... and it took the fun out of it.  I really prayed about it and I've come to the conclusion that if I'm not pregnant there is a reason for it, and God knows best.  He is probably shaking his head at me saying "You're crazy, enjoy your toddler now, there's no way you can handle two babies right now...give it some time!" and I'm just saying "Please God, my baby is growing up too fast, I miss it, and I just want to make Tucker a big brother!"  Haha.  But He does know best, so I've made peace with it.  I'm feeling really good about just letting it be.  Everyday I'm soaking up those precious one on one moments with Tucker, and not distracting myself with the thought of a baby that's not even here yet.  The longer we wait the better financially, physically, and mentally.  So it's all good!  And without all the extensive testing, it'll be more of a surprise when I do get pregnant.  So, I am still charting my period, and may do some OPKs AROUND the time of my expected period, but other than that, I'm relaxing.  =)

We have been tossing some names around.  These are the names on our list so far:

Girls
-Topenga Sharlene
-Olive
-Clementine
-Windy
-Cambria
-Blue Pearl

Boys
-Sylis
-Coyote
-Dean
-Samson
-Abednego [Most likely a middle name]
-Forest
-River
-Ezra
-Harvey
-Luke
-Levi
-Cooper
I'm up for any suggestions, but I like them unique or old.  =)

Starting over.

I kind of wanted to start over.  I will continue to post on my other blog, www.babypoeschel.blogspot.com, for things related to primarily Tucker, letters and such.  This is going to be a blog focusing on our activities as a busy family, some useful info, and just to keep everyone updated on where we are headed next, and let me tell you, I believe there are some amazing things on the horizon for the Poeschel family!

So a little update on our main man, Tucker Stanley.  He is now 16 months, 24 pounds, 32 inches tall, has about 20 ish words in his vocabulary, and potty training is going great!  I have never been so in love with a person in my whole life.  He is such a joy.  He is so sweet and gentle, and love pours out of every inch of that boy!  He is so cute.  Ok, I'll just show you a picture and you'll know what I mean!

See?  Look at that face!  This was on his first birthday!  We did a Hungry Caterpillar themed party, and all our close family and friends celebrated our first year as a family <3 

Alright, and update on Thomas:
He is still working at the Car Wash, and loves it.  He got promoted to Assistant manager a while back, and I love that he enjoys going to work every day.  =)  Other than that, he spends his time with us.  He's been such a great dad, and an amazing husband.  He is the most supportive person in my life.  He just loves us, and it really shows in everything he does.  He works so hard all day, everyday, and always has time to show us he cares.  I have a good man.  ;)
Recently, he's been letting his inner hippie show.  Haha!  We both have been "crunchy" in our own ways, and now we've just really let that side of us gleam.  Between gardening, making our laundry soap, and cloth diapering, we've been pretty busy!  We recently celebrated our 2 year wedding anniversary, and left Tucker for the very first time, with our best friend Haley.  We ate dinner and had dessert and drove back to him in a record time of 45 minutes.  Haha.
About a week later we left him again with our brother, Mark for a surprise date to the Planetarium.  This is a picture of us on that date night:





And an update on me:
This summer I went through some stuff.  I don't even know quite how to describe it.  Maybe some depression?  Not sure... But anyhow, my best friend lived with us for about 5 months.  It was amazing.  Having someone I'm so in tune with, who was also a girl, with me almost 24/7, I couldn't ask for more.  But, Amanda is an amazing person, doing amazing things, and we had to say "see you later" in August when she boarded a plane to Wales for 9 months to study abroad.  We spent the summer thrift store shopping, hiking, swimming, goofing off, driving everywhere, eating too much Taco Bell, and over thinking and over analyzing every aspect of our lives together.  She is so amazing with Tucker, and just absolutely became part of the family and when she left I just kinda sunk.  =/
Some family stuff occurred, and I started questioning who I was, and just got in a funk.  However, I climbed up on top, and showed my funk who is boss!
Now, I feel like I'm in a really good place right now with myself.  I feel like I'm being true to who I am, and am really happy.  I'm still sorting some stuff out, but I'm doing good!
I have really been working on my self image and my self worth, and realizing that I'm beautiful the way that I am.  I've never felt more confident and secure in my life.  I joined the #nomakeupmovement and I threw all my make up away.  I am not going to clog my pores with disgusting chemicals and paint my face to attempt to meet society's standard of beautiful.  There is nothing more weak than that.  I also decided to the take the spiritual dreadful journey of locking my hair!  I became fascinated with the biblical aspect of dreadlocks, and I just loved the idea of becoming one with nature.  I love it.  My dread locks are about 3 weeks old, and are doing quite well.  I'm now just letting them do their thing, and become what they want to become.  It suits me well, as I always hated brushing my hair, and messing with it.  Here's a picture of the new me:

Alright, so what have we been doing to be more crunchy?
Well, like I said before we started making our own Laundry soap, as well as dish washer soap, toothpaste, and house cleaners.  They all worked fabulously, except the toothpaste...that tasted like crap.  Making these changes have led to a bigger wallet, smaller footprint, and less chemicals!  I'll post my recipes later if anyone is interested!  I'll also post my dread lock journey and tips in another blog as well!

We've been gardening and picking from friends gardens as well!  Thomas makes home made salsa all the time with tomatoes, onions, and peppers from the garden.  It was preeeetty spicy I might add!  We've also snagged plums, peaches, apples, and black berries from friends and families gardens.  We made a peach pie over the summer.  =)  I'm still working hard on my diet, and while my variety of food has grown, and my tolerance for fruits and veggies has improved, I am still working on my Taco Bell addiction.

We have still been rejecting all of Tucker's vaccines.  The more research I do, the more confident I am that we made the right decision.  I may do another blog on that sometime, but here's a quick link in case you are interested in some reading: www.vaxtruth.orgWe have been doing our best at parenting Tucker the way we planned.  Attachment parenting, gentle parenting, conscience parenting, whatever you want to call it, we've been trying our best.  Of course we aren't perfect and we fall short everyday, but my only hope is that Tucker can see that we love him, and he reciprocates that love onto those around him.  I absolutely love being his mom and watching him grow and learn and become the sweet boy he is.  <3

Cloth Diapering days are over.  We had a great successful journey with it, but now our boy is potty training!  He wears underwear at the house, and we use pull ups while we are out, because they are the easiest thing to get on and off in public restrooms.  But in the next few weeks, we will eliminate those from our public routine as well.  He also wears them at night, but once I eliminate them during the day, I will just stop buying them, and possibly go back to cloth diapers at night.  He has accidents here and there, but for the most part he's completely potty trained at home.  [the more I say it the more I really hate the phrase "train"...I think I'll start using "potty learning" more now]
Many people have been asking how I was able to start this potty learning journey so early for him.  We began at 13 months when he started walking.  As soon as he made a potty face we put him on the toilet.  When he successfully had the pooping down, and understood the word "potty" we began the peeing.  Now, I just bring him into the potty every 30 minutes and we he goes I just give him lots of hugs, high-fives, and squeals likes its the most amazing thing ever.  We did not do candy or stickers, or anything like that.  I felt like it was bribing and was going to give him the idea that he needed sugar everytime he did something good.  He's done just fine with the praising, and so we'll stick with that.  Not that I'm against other parents using that technique...I, however, just didn't want to.  Tucker was already drawn to the idea of the potty...he was fascinated and wanted to be a part of it.  If stickers excite your kid, then go for it!  You know your kid best.  =)

I'm still breastfeeding, quite a bit actually, and I'm really proud of myself.  I don't see Tucker stopping that any time soon either!

We've also been using the clothes line a lot more, not just for diapers.  I am really sick of spending so much money at the laundry mat on dryers for things we can put on the line.  I still use the dryer for most of our clothes, but underwear, socks, towels, sheets, pajamas...those are all things we put on the line now!  Which has made our laundry smell great and fresh, and saved us about 30% on our laundry 'bill'.

Thomas still rides his bike to work which saves a bit of gas [though he does it because it's his work out], although I believe I drive around enough for the both of us anyways.


We are still recycle freaks...Thomas more than me [maybe he's just more creative in how he can reuse something!]

Thomas is still working toward his life goal of running everything we do on solar power.  I think he has our phone chargers and a couple fans working off solar panels.

Alright, it's 1am...I should hit the sack.  But I will keep up these blogs a bit better now, since I got a new laptop! 

Oh yes, one last thing...I forgot to mention that we are trying for baby #2!  I'll fill you in on that CRAZY journey later!

Bye!